[Fic] i only apologize when there is absolution to be had [Pierchel]

[thecutdiamond]

Prompt: I only apologize when there is absolution to be had, Pierchel.
Summary: Four lessons Rachel learns from her uncle and cousin and the ways in which they changed her life.

The first thing she learns is not to apologize.

Her "I'm sorry" is automatic, easily given after years of training as a Soft Number where punching someone in the face accidentally is something to feel bad about. With Shea, all it gets her in return is a blackened eye and blood in her mouth and a gash across the hand that had managed to strike him.

"Don't you ever apologize for Pain. Be grateful for it."

And so in between cracked ribs and bloody wounds she murmurs "Thank you," over and over again, knowing all the while that she's begging for an end.

~*~

The second thing she learns is that she can't protect anyone.

Pierre is a child, and she's never had younger siblings before, only Argine, but learning to want for his well-being is easy when he looks at her with those big blue eyes that are so full of hurt and fear.

One day she dares to ask Shea to "Take it easy on him, please, he's so young" and those words are the last things she remembers for a few hours aside from pain.

When it's over, she awakens to Pierre trying to stop the bleeding with trembling hands, and she places hers over his and shakes her head, "No."

It's an "I'm sorry" and a "Thank you" all at once and when his eyes meet hers then (and after, when the others take her away from him despite how hard she tries) she knows he understands. There's nothing to be done.

~*~
The third thing she learns is that there's no way back to Before.

Even after Edgar and Argine and Andrew and Mrs. Eicheln manage to halt her secret visits to the Spades Castle, she still starts when one of the boys makes too sudden a movement or if Caleb behaves as a moody drunk. There are scars that line her body now that she takes time to look at every day, reminding herself of all she had done. All she had failed to do.

There is another scar that doesn't rest on her body, though. It comes in the form of a slip of a boy who watches her with big blue eyes from afar and every time she manages to meet them, she can't help but feel the hurt all over again, can't help but read the accusation in his eyes, "You left."

It's only when they both grow up that she begins to understand that there is more, both in her eyes and his. It doesn't matter.

"I'm sorry" was beaten out of the both of them years ago.

~*~
The fourth thing she learns is that scars fade.

She is lying in a hospital bed with only pain radiating from the lower half of her body and all she wants to do is cry or laugh with hysteria. The doctor told her-- "Don't you ever apologize for Pain. Be grateful for it."

And then in comes the boy-no-longer with those eyes still so blue, and he takes her hand and just looks at her, eyes telling of a desire for blood and vengeance. She doesn't need to shake her head to tell him-- "No."

There's been enough bloodshed. Has been even since before-- "You left."

He understands. Need only squeeze her hand to tell her as much, to tell her-- "I'm sorry."

And then he's gone, and the need for both the giving and taking of absolution takes like blood in her mouth. She surrenders herself to the feeling.

It's not the first time, after all.