the sometime nightmare quality of our lives [For heartbreakclub]

[thecutdiamond]

 It isn't often that she gets nightmares, truth be told. Usually, she's too exhausted from the day to doing anything else but sleep deeply; her body's way of trying to recover from the strain.

But for some reason, tonight her sleep isn't just a blissful, dreamless reprieve from reality. Instead, it's a terror-filled mixture of old ghosts and new ones that has her waking up screaming.

And even once she's awakened, the dreams cling so tightly to her mind that she's entirely disoriented and entirely unable to help the loud sobs that rip themselves from her throat.

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[heartbreakclub]

It was the type of commotion that would have sent every parent running. Despite the throbbing headache, dry throat and exhaustion, he found himself standing outside Rachel's door, knocking a few times before slipping softly inside her room.

"Rachel?"

[thecutdiamond]

She doesn't hear the knocks. Doesn't even notice he's in the room because she's pulled her knees up to her chest and tucked her face inside them, her cries making her entire body tremble with their force.

When she hears his voice, though, she looks up with a choked gasp and tries vainly to brush the tears away.

"I-I'm sorry. I d-didn't mean t-to wake you."

[heartbreakclub]

"No, I- wasn't sleeping anyway," he lied as he cleared his throat and moved to sit down on the edge of her bed. He doesn't know whether to wrap his arms around her or rest his hand on her head or on her back or take her hand in his so for now, he can only breathe a soft sigh and look at her silhouette almost cautiously.

"What's wrong?" He felt uneasy about asking, because he didn't know how to respond to a potential barrage of concerns and worries and pains. But he does know that he wants her to tell him anyway.

bitty icons /o

[thecutdiamond]

She doesn't move closer to him, though a part of her wants her to hug her tightly like he used to when she was little and had bad dreams. She's begun to stop expecting those sorts of comforts from him, now. Is somewhat surprised he even bothered to come into the room.

His question has a million different answers bubbling to her lips-- so much is wrong, and she is hurting so, so very badly, and she just wants her Papa back if she can't have Mama-- but it's too much to say at once. For a long moment, she's simply tongue-tied, until she shakes her head a little at all the words she wants to say and settles for the simplest answer.

"'s a bad dream."

Yey~

[heartbreakclub]

He finally settled on running his hand over her soft hair. It was easier to do this in the darkness where they were just two dark shadows on the bed than switch the light on and see the embodiment, the shell of her mother sitting there in distress.

"It's just a dream." It was just a dream, but they couldn't wake up from the reality where they were both alone, sitting here in the dark, and he didn't know what to say to her to comfort her.

[thecutdiamond]

It's better that it's in the dark. That way, they don't have to look at each other properly. She doesn't have to see the effects of alcohol on him and he doesn't have to see her looking too much like her mother or flinching as his hand approaches.

The gentle touch does, after a few moments, ease a little bit of the tension out of her shoulders. Doesn't stop them from shaking with another soft sob in reply to his words, "But--"

But it's not all just a dream. She can't say that aloud, though. Instead, she reaches blindly to tug at his shirt in a gesture she's not quite lost from when she was little older than a toddler.

"--Papa, I'm scared."

[heartbreakclub]

It wasn't fair on either of them, that he should be the one left behind to take care of her when he clearly wasn't capable of doing this on his own.

He slipped his hand around behind her back and held her close, rubbing her upper arm to try and comfort her. It probably wouldn't be of much comfort to know that he was scared, too.

"What're you scared of?" he asked quietly.

[thecutdiamond]

Being held by him is too rare an ocurrence these days. It has her overwhelmed with emotion again, the tears starting anew as she presses her head against his shoulder.

"It's--" For a moment, it almost all bubbles to the surface. It's almost easy to tell him everything that she's been going through these past months. But it's only for a moment, before she remembers the boy with blue eyes that's relying on her to stay strong and she all but chokes on the words.

"--I-I can't--"

She shakes her head slightly as her attempted explanation devolves into a soft weeping.

"I'm-- so tired. A-and it hurts, Papa," comes her barely comprehensible murmur between sobs.

[heartbreakclub]

"I know, I know. It's alright," he said as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. For a moment they could pretend that things were back to the way they had been before - even though the both of them knew better than that - and that he wasn't ill-equipped to be the man, the father she needed him to be to help her get through this.

"Do you think you could get some sleep if I stay here?"

[thecutdiamond]

It's nice to pretend, even if she knows tomorrow it will be like nothing changed. It's nice to have him kiss her forehead and tell her "it's alright," even if nothing is.

She nods a little, unable to stop the soft hiccup of a whimper that escapes her lips.

"Th-that might help." A beat, before she adds tentatively, "'f it's-- not too much trouble."

She feels like she is, for him, most days.

[heartbreakclub]

"Of course not." He doesn't know how much harder he's making this on her, for her to know that he's fully capable of these moments where he could take care of her and support her. For her to have to live with someone who's drunk most of the time and cuts her to the bone with harsh words and words unsaid, who could redeem himself by pulling himself together, and in the end chose to love his misery more than loving her.

There's no reason for the Caustellos to be in this state if he'd known.

He pulls the covers over her when she goes to lie down again and sits down next to her, waiting in the dark until the whimpers even out to slow, deep breaths and the shuffle of creased sheets.

[thecutdiamond]

In a way, it's worse than if he was simply always drunk and hurtful. She could, perhaps, have learned to live with someone who was simply like that. But to have him be like this one night and then have him slap her away another is entirely different.

It takes time for her to slip into sleep again. Part of the reason is because she wants to savour this moment of him actually staying and comforting her.

In a way, it's for the worse. But in others, it's perhaps for the better.