Rachel Caustello (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thecutdiamond) wrote2017-01-16 11:41 am
thecutdiamond) wrote2017-01-16 11:41 am
Entry tags:
iron sharpens iron
She's stepped down from Head of Defense for a few years now, but she's still a Ten. It's a kindness, she knows-- the old guard didn't have the heart to Challenge the former Queen who had sacrificed so much of herself to the Suit, and the new guard didn't have the courage. Besides that, Eileen Eicheln is still very much (and once again) the Ace of Clubs, and while Rachel doesn't care quite so much for her Rank, these days, everyone knows that her niece will likely take some offense.
With Edgar moved into the Hearts castle, Rachel and Elliot had decided to move to a smaller place in Town closer to the Diamonds. It was easier for Elliot to get to the Wild Cards (though even he had begun shifting more to supervising than actually doing as much of the work) and for Rachel (who, after all these years and a few more injuries, was permanently on a cane, now) to get to the Diamonds castle.
Just as well, really. Rachel still devoted so much of her time to the Diamonds, even if it was more in emotional energy than physical, now. Even if that emotional energy was focused, rather largely, on helping guide some of the younger members of the Suit down their path.
She's had no small number of mentees, over the years. She has to confess to herself, though, that the young man with the name of one of her former Kings and who is about the age of her son, has been one of her favorites.
And it's always nice, to meet young Horatio Hornblower in the castle for tea.
With Edgar moved into the Hearts castle, Rachel and Elliot had decided to move to a smaller place in Town closer to the Diamonds. It was easier for Elliot to get to the Wild Cards (though even he had begun shifting more to supervising than actually doing as much of the work) and for Rachel (who, after all these years and a few more injuries, was permanently on a cane, now) to get to the Diamonds castle.
Just as well, really. Rachel still devoted so much of her time to the Diamonds, even if it was more in emotional energy than physical, now. Even if that emotional energy was focused, rather largely, on helping guide some of the younger members of the Suit down their path.
She's had no small number of mentees, over the years. She has to confess to herself, though, that the young man with the name of one of her former Kings and who is about the age of her son, has been one of her favorites.
And it's always nice, to meet young Horatio Hornblower in the castle for tea.
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"I don't know if I'd say-- natural, necessarily," she finally replies, "I don't know if it ever could be, when it's something you learn like this. But-- I have found it to come more easily, as time's gone on. It helps when you have a partner that keeps you accountable."
And there's a small smile, as always, for the mention of her husband.
"And if you-- make it a more routine part of your life. So you don't have to think about it so much. Like anything we practice, mm?"
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He trusts her. He still can't stop himself from repeating the thought a bit dubiously.
Most of what they practice, after all, is purely mechanical. Much as Horatio would like to be able to mechanize his own emotions, he'd never quite seen that work.
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"The-- addressing and discussion part. Not the actual feeling, mm?"
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"If you say so, ma'am."
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Because hopefully it helps, to know she's struggled with this, too.
"You're starting much younger than I did."
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"That's something, at any rate."
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Better, she thinks, for herself and hopefully the Suit.
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He almost makes it seem like a statement. He almost manages to sound bland and impassive.
He's still young enough that the question turns up at the end of the word.
this made me have feelins
It's been good, to let herself be more human when interacting with the younger members of the Suit. It's a good example for them, she thinks.
"You know, Horatio-- very few people know this, but-- I had been thinking of stepping down even before the incident with the Arcana."
DO YOU HEAR EILEEN SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE
"You-- were."
He hadn't been here, of course. It still feels like tugging a rug out from underneath him.
is it a good kind of screaming D:
And another sip of her tea as she gathers her thoughts to explain. It's a complicated set of events.
"Because I hadn't been-- taking care of myself. Those last few years of my reign especially were-- difficult, and I'd put so much energy into the Suit and kept nothing for me. I was running on empty for-- months, if not years-- because I didn't know how to balance things well. How to-- do my duty, and still make sure I as a person would still be able to be all right. It's all too common a phenomenon, here in the Deck and in the Diamonds especially, but-- I'm not entirely convinced it's a healthy one."
it is the special scream she has for all the adults in her life
"How did you realize that?"
It's not enough to take someone else's clarity. It still helps as a place to start.
i still don't know if that's good or bad ; ;
There's a brief frown that touches her lips at the memory.
"It's-- the Suit. Something I loved more than--- my own life. I was tired and starting to resent the work I had to do for them, and that was when I knew something was going wrong. If I had been taking care of myself properly, things would have been-- balanced enough, between my needs and theirs, that it wouldn't have felt so draining and unfulfilling."
All of which, really, could be rather applicable to Horatio's love life as well.
neither does Eileen honestly
Would he ever start to hate the work he was living for? Would he ever start to find the sacrifices he was making bitter and heavy in his heart, like the unpleasant poison he had taken into his own heart? Would he ever ask too much of Archie and lose the other young man, only to discover that it hadn't been worth that most excruciating loss?
Would Archie ever get tired and start resenting the work he had to shoulder to keep their relationship alive?
His breath comes a little uncomfortable for a moment before he evens it out, fingers skittering across the table to be close to Rachel's again. "But... you think balancing would... have worked?"
fair
"I do," she says, "Perhaps not-- indefinitely, but I would've been better. I would've known better when I needed to step back and let someone else take charge and not-- feel so guilty about it. And I wouldn't've-- impacted my personal relationships quite so much, so I would've had a better support network when the time came."
Not that all her personal relationships had been damaged, or that all of the fallout had been strictly because of her. Still, though.
;; <3
"...thank you. For telling me."
Even now, even for a good cause, it can't be such an easy thing to share.
<3
"You earned my trust and honesty a long time ago, Horatio."
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Clearing his throat is a nervous tick, but it helps bring him back into himself.
"--thank you, ma'am." There's half a beat before he hazards. "Lady Rachel."
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So one more final, gentle pat to his hand and a broad smile before she pulls back and lets them both settle again. Her tea is lifted to her lips and drunk before she queries.
"So. Tell me what you're thinking for Seven, farther down the road."
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There's nothing quite like finding a family, even if he's not sure he'd ever put the emotion into those words.
"German whist."
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And there's the proud, approving smile again.
"And something of a specialty of yours, as I recall."
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It begs a moment of consideration. Bragging doesn't come naturally at all.
Neither does trust and openness. Between Archie and Rachel, at least, he's beginning to find a bit of that voice. "It's something I... brought with me."
There's something lovely about that, if he's honest. It sits well in his heart to think something his first family taught him has value here with his new one.
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And now her smile is more kind and certainly a touch more teasing.
"It's-- nice, though, I imagine. To be using something you brought with you."
Something from the life he'd had to leave behind.
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He's been infinitely glad for friends like Henry, at the end of the day. There's always something particular about having a friend who had come from Outside to lean on, now and again.
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She imagines it must take time. She can understand loosely, from her switch from the Clubs, but she doubts it's even close to the same thing.
"Anyone in particular you've a mind to Challenge?"
(no subject)